


Doubt

by peggin



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Gap Filler, M/M, Season/Series 02, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-03
Updated: 2005-12-03
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:41:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peggin/pseuds/peggin
Summary: 220 Gapfiller - Justin's thoughts right before he walks out of the Rage party





	Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive).

  
Author's notes: I wrote as part of that lyrics meme thing a lot of us did last year. This one was for **shape5** , based on her lyrics: _"I touch the fire and it freezes me / I look into it and it's black."_  


* * *

I used to be so sure. No matter what anyone told me... no matter what he said himself... I knew he loved me. I knew it.  
  
I don't have that anymore.  
  
Ever since I woke up in the hospital and discovered that he hadn't come to see me even once, I've had doubts. When four more weeks passed and he still never came, those doubts continued to grow.  
  
He let me come and stay with him, he bought me a computer, he's paying for school, he even agreed to my stupid rules. But was that love or guilt?  
  
At times I've acted like a child, testing him, wanting to know... would he care if I broke those rules? If I pushed him away, would he come back? Would he let me come back? And if he did, was it because he loved me... or because he simply didn't care?  
  
Sometimes I'm almost convinced that he must love me. He wouldn't do so much for me if he didn't. But then he'll do something else, and I'm just as convinced that he couldn't act that way if he really cared.  
  
I used to be so sure. Now I don't know anything.  
  
Sometime I feel like the real Justin died that night, and I'm just a shell that's been left in his place.  
  
All I know is that I can't keep doing this anymore. I'm so tired of guessing, of trying to figure him out. Being with Brian is terrifying. Being with Ethan is easy. It's not glamorous or exciting, and it doesn't make my heart beat faster like being with Brian has since the moment I first saw him, but it's comfortable. When I'm with Ethan, I feel safe.  
  
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I can't keep playing these games any more. Even though it's my decision, I can still feel my heart breaking as I look at him across the dance floor one last time before leading Ethan out the door.


End file.
